So I've been getting really down on myself lately for struggling so much with carrying on in life. And then I just have to remind myself to sit down and describe things plainly.
I've just started two new jobs. It is my last semester of college, and a full one. I have the responsibility of being independently disciplined for one of my three studio classes, the most studio classes I've ever taken at once. I am now in the process of applying to and deciding on where to go to midwifery school, which is a huge decision. I've just taken on the responsibility of a new ministry. My entire immediate family has moved relatively recently. I've just quit smoking.
I am also grieving a tossed salad of various other assorted upsetting things which feels like a toxic soup sloshing around in my stomach as I run as fast as I can trying to keep up with and cope with all of the above.
Virtually everything in my life has turned over and nothing seems familiar. I have a new phone number. I have a different car. I have different clothes, my hair is a different color. I'm trying new foods, new music, new media in my artwork.
It's like waiting tables, when you've been in a groove for about an hour of serving people you recognize. You might even know their names. Then, all of a sudden they all cash out and then there are these new people and they're ordering new food and you're all stirred up and flustered again.
I had just gotten used to Jim and Nancy and their Teriyaki and the Katsu Don and now here comes this new group ordering up all this sushi and now they want salad and refills and they have names like Jeff and Mary Kathryn......I just don't know how they expect me to go on with names like that!
I have to remember that I need to be merciful with myself here, considering the description of my situation. Otherwise, I'll just hide in my room and not let anyone help me or even know I'm struggling and then I'll just go numb like a vegetable or a worn out shoe, all crumpled and foot shaped and frayed and hollow...and smelly.
I'm trying to let people in. I need people. I need you. Help me. Care about me.
I'm an old shoe. I'm a vegetable. I need love and mercy from the body of Christ.
